It’s uncomfortable. This place I’m in.

It’s new and not necessarily good or wanted. But it’s a place I chose because I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do, even if it broke me to do so.

Leaving someone out of love is not easy and yes, that is an exceptionally large understatement. I’ve left before out of resentment and anger. Out of hurt. Out of indifference. And people have left me for similar varying reasons. It’s always been a negative and bitter departure no matter who was walking out the door. Yet never in my life have I loved a person so much yet knew deep in my heart that Now Is Not The Time. Never have I had to force myself to walk away before it turned down the road of complete chaos.

Leaving out of love for myself. Out of love for him. Realizing that if I stayed, the problems would not recede, they would only accumulate. Understanding that he needed the time for himself to truly figure out and heal the things necessary in order for him to thrive in any future relationship, whether it’s with or without me.

And there’s the rub. I hold out the slimmest sliver of hope that we find our way back to each other. I am not an idealist. I know the chances of that are ridiculously low. I may as well buy a lottery ticket. But I am an optimist, though a pained one currently. I have the improbable dream that he and I will come together again down the road, with the same amount of love and want as we did when we first found each other. Yet, there’s always the chance that with time, he eventually comes to the conclusion that perhaps I really wasn’t The One. Just because I was the First doesn’t mean I am the Only. I know this because I’ve been there. Not every love is the same. And maybe that’s why I had the foresight to remove myself. Learning from my experiences, not wanting to make the same mistakes, not wanting to tarnish something which was truly beautiful with the things we couldn’t quite manage to see eye to eye. I wanted to keep that love intact. Hoping that at some point, we would once again fall asleep in each other’s arms.

A girl can dream.