A banner year… Not really

I don’t even know where to begin. All of it seems almost surreal.

I’ve had friends die. Almost die. Find out they could die.
Hearts broken, relationships gone to shit, marriages end.

People I never thought I’d give a hundred and second chance, I’ve opened myself to again – hesitantly. Wearily. But with hope. Because I am a soft soul at my core and can’t help but think that there is a speck of good in everyone. That a tiny particle has the ability to grow and blossom if given the opportunity.

I’ve taken stock of the absurd, the unfortunate, the blind ignorance (and arrogance) of so many. I lose myself in contemplation often. I think too much. I always have, lately has not been any different.

I’ve finally come to accept that even if you’re direct and straighforward, others don’t necessarily feel the need to do the same.

Even if you give of yourself completely, that is not usually how another person operates.

That your own truth may not match the truth of someone else.

Sadly, I’ve also come to find that sometimes the best option is simply walking away. Not every battle is a war. That there will be moments in life when conceding defeat is a victory, even if it doesn’t seem that way at the time.

And right now, I really need to take that last part to heart.

Doubly So

It’s cold out.

I’m cold. Beyond the chilled tips of my fingers and numbing toes, as the remnants of a migraine subtly thuds at the back of my skull, I find my heart has iced, frosty chips affixed to the frozen ventricles, glistening like tiny gems in the darkness of my chest cavity.

There are no flaming bonfires of hope keeping it beating. The last flicker wasted to an ember turned to soot and minimal ash. It has all been swept away.

I am a tundra.

Nothing lives. It is quiet save for the howling of my sorrow’s wind.

I stand outside feeling the temperature drop. I used to love the change of seasons for precisely this reason. Nothing like the drop in weather and the fierce Autumnal gusts to make one feel Alive. To Feel, period.

I cannot feel my face. I cannot feel.

Maybe it is better this way.