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Miscarriage of Marriage

A year ago, I lost a baby.

Now, almost exactly to the date, I lost my marriage.

One could make the assumption the former might have something to do with the latter, and they’d be partially correct. But not even close to completely.

The longer I’ve dwelled on our past, as I cycle through the years we’ve spent together, I am seeing here and there, the spots we needed to nurture. The moments we had a chance to love and support one another, but instead shut down into silence and resentment. We should have… We could have… but all too cognizent of the We Didn’ts.

When I lost what would have been our third child, I did what I always do. I shrugged it off and continued on. Because that’s what Strong Women Do, right? We keep going. We shake that shit off. We straighten our backs, square our shoulders and with a head held high, just keep fucking moving. Time stand stills for no one, for no thing, especially the loss of life.

I kept the house. I minded our other two children, who were oblivious to the fact that they were swindled out of a third partner in crime. I had moments of severe heart-wrenching grief when the tears would just tumble out unannounced and unwanted and my sobbing became desperate gasps for air. They’d run to hug me causing my body to shake and convulse, for their love and concern was too much for my already broken heart to handle. Of course, this all happened when he wasn’t around. He was a hard-working man, already stressed about so many other things. There was no way he’d be able to handle this.

And the divide grew.  What was once a ravine, became a valley.

We were well on our way to becoming the Grand Canyon.

The disconnect had always been there. He equated love with sex. I equated sex with the previous abuse and long term wear of being a woman. I wanted kind words. Appreciation. Tenderness. He wanted physical touch. Blowjobs. Wild fucks.

I wanted to feel loved as a person.

He wanted to feel loved by being considered desirable.

And we never found a way to intersect. So, we drifted. And drifted. Until we were both two people who loved the idea of who we thought the other person was when we first met. But we obviously weren’t.

I felt he didn’t love me.

He felt I didn’t love him.

We both gave up.

Losing the baby was just the impetus towards the downward spiral. If there had been any chance for saving what was left our union, it was now gone. Yet, we went through the motions. After all, we had a new house needing attention. Two little boys we loved and were trying our best to parent without letting them see our lack of care for the other. I reverted to my failsafe shell of apathy. He started drinking more and staying out and away from our crap existence.

But eventually, it was me. I was the one who put the nail in the coffin. Self-preservation is cold. Heartless. Indifferent. Self-preservation is a wounded wild beast with only one directive.

Survive. It didn’t matter who got hurt or how, but survive. Get out, Get out alive and with what you have left.

I sit here writing this, the unfaithful wife. The woman who strayed. The disloyal. The selfish. The fork-tongued Jezebel. I blink away the wetness gathering at my eyes. Did I get out alive? Yes. Unscathed? No.

But what exactly do I have left.

The scraps and remains of something which was never real to begin with.

 

 

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Doubly So

It’s cold out.

I’m cold. Beyond the chilled tips of my fingers and numbing toes, as the remnants of a migraine subtly thuds at the back of my skull, I find my heart has iced, frosty chips affixed to the frozen ventricles, glistening like tiny gems in the darkness of my chest cavity.

There are no flaming bonfires of hope keeping it beating. The last flicker wasted to an ember turned to soot and minimal ash. It has all been swept away.

I am a tundra.

Nothing lives. It is quiet save for the howling of my sorrow’s wind.

I stand outside feeling the temperature drop. I used to love the change of seasons for precisely this reason. Nothing like the drop in weather and the fierce Autumnal gusts to make one feel Alive. To Feel, period.

I cannot feel my face. I cannot feel.

Maybe it is better this way.

 

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Armor

I have, for the most part, kept a fairly private life. I’ve shared what I’ve needed to share. I’ve switched skins in social groups. I’ve been who I needed to be in order to survive.

This lesson in self-preservation came early and often.

When I was teased relentlessly for not having a mom or dad, I learned how to make up stories to qualify their absence.

When I was raped at the age of 12 after the death of my only friend, my great-grandmother, and was whispered about in the neighborhood as the “slut” because who could ever believe that pre-teen boys were capable of such violation? I learned how to avoid the stares and fall into fantasy and daydreams.

When I went into high school and the rumors about my drug addict mom preceded me, I learned how to smile and joke and laugh because who could believe those rumors were true if I was just so goddamn happy all the time?

When I was a homeless teen runaway and I needed a place to stay, a meal to eat, some form of human kindness in general, I learned how to be charming to ensure another day of getting by.

When word got out that I was an escort and judgmental glares scorched my skin, “she’s a whore” being murmured behind my back, of course never to my face, I learned how to embrace that wickedness and use it as a weapon.

When women hated my existence and men lusted after me, I learned how to be cold and indifferent. Untouchable.

Time after time, each lesson another layer of armor against the world. I became an ever-changing chameleon. Carefree party girl for one, quiet and insightful confidante for another. Crazy but sane, logical yet irrational, emotional though apathetic – no one could ever give the same descriptors.

So now, more mutterings. More of the same peanut gallery gossip. I won’t deny the hearsay.  Though, everyone has their own version of the truth. While I am not innocent, I also carry the knowledge that not one person who speaks of me truly knows me. Or my heart. Where I’ve been. Where I decide to go. So, I’ll continue the same way I always have. Moving forward with my own brand of candor, nursing my pain and heartache alone as I always have. I am human. Fallible. Imperfect. Flawed.

But I’ll keep going.

Everyone’s your friend until they’re not.

In the end, we all die alone.

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It’s Not About The Waffles

I’ve taken a step back from journaling my life. I do that every now and again. Depending on how badly I want to hide from reality at hand is directly related to how long my sabbaticals last. I’ve been trying to push myself more lately, delve into the things which are currently spinning my head and heart into debris flecked tornadoes traveling in opposite directions… despite my natural ostrich-like instinct to bury my head in the sand.

But that isn’t progress, is it?

So. Since my husband and I have been in counseling, I’ve dug my heels into my marriage and have been full throttle, “We’re Gonna Fix This!” Perhaps it’s just the Virgo in me. Or Oldest Child Syndrome. Or a smattering of this, that, and the other. Who knows, we are who we are. However, it hasn’t been lost on me that this has slowly turned into a one person effort and now I have been left to pick apart and analyze what’s worth fighting for and what isn’t.

It often helps to have a person to bounce such things off of. A living breathing sounding board to offer their own insight and perspective. I have long been a person who will come to my own conclusions on my own time, not swayed by others thoughts and opinions on how I live my life. ( Just picture the “I Do What I Want” meme and you’ve got a clear idea of my personality) However, this doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate the input of others experiences. In fact, lately I’ve been seeking exactly just that – other people’s own struggles which I consider similar to mine, not for advice or definitive answers, but for some unconventional form of catharsis. I recognize and value the worth of their own encounters, their personal stories. I consider it an absract variation of education. Learning through the trials and tribulations of friends, family, and strangers by osmosis.

I met with a friend not too long ago. And this was exactly that kind of situation. Commiseration over food and coffee. (That always helps) During the back and forth, he shared a story from decades past, when his 3 yo child asked him if he’d like to sit and have waffles with her. He politely declined, saying he wasn’t very hungry for waffles. She responded, “It’s not about the waffles, Dad.” Aside from learning his daughter was a tiny Confucious, it also was a lesson in Basic Life Meaning. After sharing that very amusing and profound anecdote, we discussed how that is a general application to any close human relationship. A few more laughs, a bit more coffee, and I left having a touch more perspective than with which I had originally arrived.

We’ve had Therapist Recommended *coughassignedcough* Date Nights. I’ve attempted to include him more in the activities I enjoy. There have been more-than-I-can-count Days and Nights where the politeness and courtesy is suffocating and I would just like an ounce of genuine person to person interaction. And while driving yesterday, when I asked (since he wasn’t working) if he’d like to show up to my pool match this week, I half-hoped there’d be a Yes to quiet the volume rising truth which my Heart has already known. Instead, “No. I’m gonna stay home. Why waste money on a sitter.”

In the back of my head, as my eyes teared up behind (thankfully) shielding sunglasses,  “It’s Not About The Waffles” danced around all the fragmented bits of my rationale. My Heart kicked me in the shins, muttering “I told You so.” I remained silent for the rest of the car ride and felt the familiar vacuity of loneliness. Intermingled in all of that, a memory (one of the very few) of my Dad telling me about a breakup of his while imparting onto me some sageness which I did not fully comprehend until years later.

“I stopped respecting her time. She invited me to a party and I said, No. I didn’t feel like it. She’s a busy person and she didn’t have to include me in her plans. I clearly didn’t think that was important enough for me just to spend some time with her and I realized this wasn’t going to work anymore. When someone stops caring to make Time for You or to appreciate the Time you are making for Them, then do each other a favor and stop wasting each other’s Time.”

Cold. Very. But the truth is seldom warm.

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Lately

It is May 21 and the weather outside could have me fooled into thinking it is October. I don’t mind it. I’ve always loved the damp and chill, an opportunity for big thick comfy sweaters, many mugs of steaming beverages brimming with warmth and the excuse for not having to travel out into world unless absolutely necessary.

Though, it would still please me if I had to.

The light drizzle dampening denim covered legs, sliding off muddy soled, screaming red red rain boots, misting my hair like tiny beads of early morning dew on wispy blades of grass… I enjoy these small details. I don’t even mind the cold which comes with it. There is a freshness, an awakening, something which just shouts in your face, “HEY! You’re Fucking Alive!” Nothing like the burning, lazy, heat soaked days which leave you sticky and stagnant. A sweaty mess of discomfort. No. Days like these, I cherish.

On days like this, I am reminded of Lancaster. And Bristol. And almost all of the rest of England and of the love at that time which took me there. I am brought back to a period of adventure and curiosity. Of passion for Life and Living. And while that former version of self has long since grown and become something other, there had long been many instances where I missed that part of Me. I had chalked it up to furthering myself into adulthood. Into a new 2.0 representative of who I had become. I was fairly certain that the Woman of the past was no longer in existence.

Yet, not long ago on a colder Saturday night, I found myself free of immediate obligations. No husband. No small children. I was able to just go out and wander a bit, if I wanted to. I, naturally, didn’t feel the urge. I wanted to drown in streaming programming while I knit and kept the company of my cats. Yet, appealing to the logic of when was the next time I’d have this kind of freedom, I headed out.

Deciding to meet up with some friends, I spent a half hour looking for parking in a part of town booming with Trend and Cool. I hated it. I was already rueing my decision to make the trip into the city. After that battle, I found them in the bar, already filling up with people. And I hated that, too. But I was determined to see through the evening, if anything for the novelty of something different. Oh but wait – there’s a band playing and you know the guys and we should go check them out? At this point, I was considering calling it a night, but no. I agreed.

Here’s where my heart had a change. Three of us, walking to the next place, and my two friends stop to talk to a guitar player and his girlfriend with the ukelele, both sitting on the sidewalk, guitar case open for monetary gifts. They have a dog and he looks sleepy, but loved. They offer up a song and my friends say, Sure.

It’s about 40 degrees out, give or take. And this thin, scraggly looking guy starts playing one of the sweetest songs I’ve ever heard. His girlfriend, reminiscent of free love and hippies, joins in with her ukelele and soft fairy-like harmonic voice. My friends begin to dance and I am moved to take some record of this occurence.

And I realized I was smiling. Happy. Relishing this presence of spontaniety and True Beauty. I held up my phone to capture the best I could what was transpiring before my eyes… I didn’t do too well because I, also, was wrapped up in the vibrancy of the moment. I was vaguely aware of cars driving by, everyone walking past rapidly, in a hurry to get to the next bar/club/whathaveyou. For a brief interlude in time, I felt like all 5 of us were in a bubble, some magical window into a mirrored dimension of being able to experience and enjoy the Here and Now with no outside interruption.

Nothing lasts forever. The song ended, my friends gave them some cigarettes and cash, we kept going to the next place – but my heart felt lighter.

Joyous.

Alive.

So.

Lately, this has been on my mind. Of course, days like these… Days which remind me of previous excursions, long past days of foolhardy carefree whimsy, days which bring to mind bits and pieces of  the romantic and idealist I used to be… I am encouraged to once again find the magic and wonder of Living as opposed to simply Existing. I know now that those fanciful qualities I thought I lost to youth have only been shoved aside, forgotten and unused. The older a person becomes, the harder that feat. With age also comes some cynicism. Some convenience. Comfortablilty. All things which would hinder the search and stunt the growth of a curious soul. However, nothing which has been worth having has ever come easy, or so I’ve been told.

*shrugs*

I guess I’ll see.

 

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The Human Condition (pt. 112)

I sipped my bourbon. I was tired, I didn’t want to be out. In fact, I wanted to be home, in bed, surrounded by my cats, drifting into a comfortably uncomfortable sleep. I wanted my worn-in sweats, with the loosened waistband, saggy bottom, pilled fabric throughout, softened through multiple washes…  I lapped the Bulleit lightly wishing I was already under the fat knit blankets in my bedroom, falling away into unconsciousness.

Instead, here I was, listening to a man drone on about the artistic condition.

The Artistic Condition, the grueling self-doubt, the striving to be at least an equal to their peers in that specific field, the 24/7 struggle to be recognized – noticed, the sleepless 2 a.m. tossing and turning anxiety ridden nights, the booze and the drugs and the men and the women and some more of the booze with a side of drugs… just to take the edge off.

And I fiddled with my drink, swishing the amber liquid lazily out of semi-boredom and resignation. Why was I here? Because while I wanted the cozy comfy security of my bed, I didn’t want to go to the home in which it was inhabited. Problems were at Home. Fights were at Home. Anger and 7 years of built up Frustration were at Home. Things I was not overly eager to deal with. Yet, these all seemed like better options compared to the incessant droning of the gentleman seated to my left.

Finally, I said, “So, Human. You’re bitching about being Human.” He doubled back and looked as though he was going to argue the point. But I excused myself before we could go down that (I could only assume) long and winding road.

A short tumbler with a couple swallows left of liquor remained on the polished bar top. A man kept an eye on it, waiting for its owner to return. And I walked out into the night, head full, heart empty.

 

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4/5/18 Maternal Guilt, In Short

Motherhood was never a driving goal of mine. Even as all my high school friends were off being impregnated by future absentee fathers, my only aspiration was to get out of my shitty poverty stricken neighborhood and maybe one day see the world.

Of course, youth + stupidity squashed those hopes fairly quick.

I wasn’t meant for motherhood. I knew it right away, although I couldn’t accept the bald truth of it. This is not to say that I did not love my first son – I have never loved any living human as much as I have my first child. Just looking at him every day broke my heart in different ways in which I had no idea how to handle. The overwhelming pain I felt in thinking that I wasn’t good enough to be the mother to this amazing tiny ball of perfection still lingers, 21 years later. Only in hindsight and more self-introspection that I care to admit, have I realized how much the absence of my own parents  affected my demeanor towards my son.  Of course, anyone on the outside looking in would say I’ve done a great job. How wonderful that he and I have such an amicable relationship.

They do not know that I walked away from him when he was 6 months old. That I thought he’d have a better life without me in it. They do not know that when he was a year old, I willingly handed over physical custody to his father and never legally fought for him because I was too scared that I would lose. The courts would see I wasn’t the right kind of “mom material” and I’d be deprived of any real communication or time spent with him. They do not know how much I drank (so much) while he was gone just to black out my guilt of not being the cookie cutter mold of what a “Good Mother” was supposed to be, that my status of Weekend Mom not only belittled my character in the eyes of others, but in my own as well.

But I loved him, albeit from a safe distance. In solitude, the ache of his absence would send me into fits of uncontrollable weeping. A handful of poems I wrote remain as a reminder of those times, but not one more than that because any attempt to  encapsulate my feelings about my life without his presence in it would spiral me further into a depression in which I was not keen to visit. Throughout the years, I never questioned that I still wasn’t worthy and constant arguments with his father (the “good” parent) didn’t help. The weight of my fears and doubts tempered any desire or attempt for the closeness I longed to have with my son.

However, as each year passed, as he grew into a young man and his childhood days receded as an ebbing tide, I accepted that imperfections and all, I was His Mother. I would like to say it was an overnight transformation in which I woke up and Voila, All Makes Sense and is Well and Good!, but that is not how life or personal growth works. I still wrestle with my guilty days, especially as I am now raising my two youngest in such a different manner. I find while I am spending time with them, running errands, singing songs, sewing up injured teddies – I am also ruing all of which I’ve missed from my first child’s formative years. However, I am also aware that even as just a weekend/summer mom, I tried the best I knew how to build a bond between the both of us. And as long as I am alive, there will always be room for improvement in that relationship.

We joke, we laugh, we text, we message.  We do have a better relationship than most. He has assured me time and again that he harbors no ill will towards me, that he never thought I was a “bad mom”. He has made it clear that I’ve always been Good Enough (and it makes him sad to know I felt any other way), which I still mostly struggle to believe. It is not something in which I’ve completely come to terms with, though little by little it sets in. He has grown into a man whom I am proud to call Son and I hope that one day I am the woman who he is proud to call Mom.

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the balance of art and every day life in a dream

When the last things you do before bed is watch Hell’s Kitchen, look through your Instagram feed, comment about art, order slippers for your grandma online and curse to yourself that you didn’t do the sink full of dishes but fuck it, you’re tired so they’ll just have to be done in the morning…

You dream about sitting at your grandma’s table and talking to two local artists you admire, your best friend, Cortney and social acquaintance, Jim Terry about art and the creative process, but then the kitchen morphs into some crazy restaurant (who are all these people?) and wow all this food looks good and damn you’re hungry, but now you’re in some sort of barracks/cabin which you’re sharing with at least 6-8 other females (who the fuck are these chicks???) and you’re on a cot cuddling with the obnoxious lesbian from Hell’s Kitchen (her hair is foofy and her skin is soft at least) and you see piled Right Next to you dishes that need to be done, so you’re like Fuck. I can’t go to sleep with Soft and Foofy until these dishes are clean, so there you are… washing f**king dishes in your dream.

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The Missed Miscarriage

I’m on a few hours sleep right now. I am surprisingly alert yet I am also not sure how long this strikingly coherent state will last. In short, I am writing this before I lose the will and/or energy to gather up my loose thoughts before they roll away into the ether mist of the back bits of my brain.

I had a missed miscarriage. In case you are not familiar, it is when the fetus dies but the body hasn’t recognized the death. The mother-to-be will still feel pregnant, symptoms and all, but in actuality, isn’t. It was something I knew of, yet apparently didn’t completely grasp.

There was no amount of self-preparation that had me readied for the ultrasound technician to softly utter, “There isn’t a heartbeat.” Of course, I knew there might be a chance for loss of pregnancy. I just turned 40. We didn’t plan this. I had still been eating and drinking like a savage before finding out that my sickness was of the morning variety. So, yes. I repeatedly reminded myself that I could lose this surprise baby at any given moment. And that logic and rationality helped to keep my composure in the face of these nameless hospital personnel peering at me with saddened eyes. I cannot stand for the pity of strangers, so “losing it” or expressing anything other than reticent calm was  not an option. I let the kindly woman know that it was okay. I knew there was a chance of this happening. I’ve been preparing myself for something like this.

And when I saw the doctor to discuss how to deal with the dead fetus in my womb, I didn’t shed a tear. She shot it straight and listed my options. I could wait for my body to expel the tissue on its own. I could take some pills to force the miscarriage to its completion. I could have the surgery which would in essence be vacuuming up the no longer useful or needed remains of a new life that just didn’t make it. I sat straight in that chair, the absolute pragmatist, and asked which was the most cost efficient.

Ah. Pills it is.

After finishing up the talk with discussion of future birth control methods and “Don’t forget to make a follow-up appointment”, I left. No time for tears. Still have to drive home. Oh, it’s nice out. Maybe we can finish putting up the lights. What should we have for dinner?

It wasn’t until the pharmaceutical assistance kicked in that I understood and truly felt in my soul what was happening. Why did I choose this? What – was I some emo depressive teen locked away in my room with my razors and angst, needing to associate physical to the emotional, or else it didn’t matter? The cramping itself wasn’t the problem. It was the rapid expulsion of what could have been.

It was after 6 a.m. My husband was barely at work 5 minutes before he jumped in his car and drove right back home. He held me as I cried and apologized for ruining his birthday. He whispered Shut Up into my birds nest of bed head hair as I sobbed quietly, not wanting to wake our other two boys across the hall. He helped to mop up the blood and gross seemingly masticated chunks of tissue that was just falling out of me sloppily, with no warning or difficulty. Once my tears stopped, in between the sorrow of loss and the mourning of a life that would never be, there happened a void. A numbness, an emptiness that carried with it no descriptive or tangible explanation. An emotional black hole – an oxymoron.

After a while, the pain and bleeding subsided. I was physically exhausted, dehydrated, and famished. It didn’t take my body too long to recover. Water, food, rest. All is well.

But is it? While life as my family knows it has continued to move forward, I find myself swimming in reminders that Hey, we never planned another child. That this is for the best. Well, now we don’t have to figure out A, B and C. Things will be much easier financially. Etc., etc., etc.

Yet, all of these constant prompts do little to quell the ache. I will finish decorating. I will grocery shop and meal plan. I will do laundry, wash dishes, make vet appointments for our cats, eventually hang out with my friends and enjoy a dinner out with a nice glass of wine. And I will take care of my two little boys while doing my best not to wonder what it would have been like to have a third in our new house that still needs so much work…

Maybe it’s not the best solution towards recuperation, but it’s the one I’ve got.

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Contemplating Motherhood

On paper, I am a married stay-at-home mom of two toddler boys and one college bound dude who I brought into this world when I was very young and oh so many lives ago. I am aware that I am not conventional (this month, my hair is blue/purple and my new thing is cat leggings). I never have been, I doubt I ever will be. I have lived a life my own with so many mistakes and dumbass dangerous decisions, I am really freaking surprised that I am not only alive but intact. But here I am, the harried homemaker, switching out laundry, making meal plans for the week, budgeting groceries, wiping asses more often than should be permitted for one’s own sanity, and essentially – making sure nothing/no one is set on fire and/or dies. Added to this, my husband has been trying to talk me into signing the boys up for the intro soccer program called L’il Kickers. I balked not because I don’t encourage sports but because I have an extreme aversion to socializing and making nice with the Status Quo parental units.

I needed a break.

So, I had dinner with my best friend tonight. It was perfect. It was too long in the coming and I always chastise myself afterwards for not making more time for just the two of us to catch up. The pair of us are both incredibly different people but such kindred spirits with far too many similarities in the oddest of ways. I mention this because over the course of our meal, we touched upon one of our bonds – our mothers (funnily enough – didn’t even realize Mother’s Day was this Sunday) and how they simultaneously screwed us up in comparable fashions.

Of course, as grown adult women who have spent the better part of their life “fixing” themselves and coming to some sort of peace with the neglect and abuse of their own parent(s) constantly under the influence, we exchanged childhood anecdotes candidly with a shared laugh here, a silent nod of understanding there. We spoke of the long road to Self-Realization, the oft stumbled through path of trying to figure out how to love ourselves despite our inclination to do otherwise. We joked that we were surprised how well we turned out, despite having the moms that we did.

We delved further past our maternal caregivers and spoke of how it affected our life choices. She admitted to never wanting to have children for fear that she’d not be an affectionate enough parent, as she was often the whipping post for her alcoholic mother’s rages while her sister delighted in the attention and favoritism that was left after all anger and violence had been spent. I mentioned that I was glad I only had boys because I didn’t know if I’d be capable of mothering a girl, that I would teach my sons to never undervalue a female and to never make a woman feel uncomfortable in her own skin.

These were a few of the things we spoke about and eventually the evening tapered off nicely. I gave her a warm hug, promised that we’d hang out sooner than later, and then I headed home. During my drive, I thought of my little boys. I thought of how happy and full of life they were. How affectionate and sweet. How they hated leaving any park or playground because they didn’t want to leave their “new friends”. And just like that, I knew that I was being ridiculously unreasonable about the soccer program. I realized that I was stunting my own children’s formative steps into building friendships and early socialization. I understood that even after all these years, after all the supposed work I had put into becoming a “normal functioning” human being, that I still wasn’t done. I was purposely already putting up a wall between myself and the activity aka the other parents – whom I hadn’t even met – because I was still harboring underlying fears of rejection and not being liked and/or accepted.

As my South Side cousin would tell me, “Dang Girl. Dat Shit got real crazy quick.”

I cannot let my own trepidation bleed into the lives of my children. I have fought hard to get where I am at today and now I know that I’ve still yet farther to go. But for my boys, they need to know that their mother always tried. That their mother may not have always gotten it right, but damn it, she tried. It is, the very least, any mother can do.